Trip Preparations

Tonight we are packing for a trip to VA to see Mark's dad. We have decided that all the kids need to see their grandfather at least one more time while he is still with us on this earth. Along with the usual things we normally pack for any trip away from home, we are also taking along an arsenal of medications just in case.

I would have to say that this week has been worse than last week as far as the cycling goes with Mary. The highs seem higher, the lows seem lower, the anger seems greater, and the time in between cycles is almost non-existent. I did call the pdoc to see if it was wise to take Mary. We all agree that she needs to have some say in how and when she says her good-byes. She has decided that she needs to see him. Unfortunately this has not helped with the cycling issues this week. The pdoc asked me if I thought that we were seeing cycling or if it was anxiety? Well, good question? Is the anxiety triggering the cylcing, is the cycling triggering the anxiety, or is it just anxiety mimic-ing the cycles? And to throw one more thing into the mix the pdoc said there could be a slight reason to believe that some of this could be caused by her thyroid being off (which can cause psychosis). Her last blood draw did not indicate that the thyroid was off, but some of the things like the agitation and the constant feeling of being tired could indicate that it might be off now. We have no way of knowing if this is the case since we still can't get her to have blood work done.

The visit in Virginia could go two ways... it could make things better since Mary tends to build up anticipatory anxiety (she builds things up in her mind until the monsters that grow out of it are far worse than the reality of the situation). Once she sees her grandpa and spends some time with him, some of this anxiety could be relieved. Or it could make things much worse. Seeing him as he is now instead of how she knows him to be could make her extremely sad. My fear is that she will be overwhelmed with sadness and ultimately this will make her suicidal again. But we will take one step at a time and not borrow trouble from tomorrow. Focus on today (or just the next hour or even the next minute) and trust that God is in control. Our motto for the weekend is "Semper Gumby" (always flexible).

Before we leave we will put together an "exit plan" with Mary so that we can all be prepared if she starts to feel overwhelmed and can get her out of that situation. We will all know what we need to do to help her through it and also to help her know that she is not alone in all of these sad feelings. We will be staying at a friend's house so that Mary will have some time to decompress every day. We are really hoping for some great visiting time with family, and we will also get to see some wonderful life-long friends while we are there. It is my prayer that we will be a blessing to those around us and not so consumed with our own troubles and exhaustion that we fail to be other's focused.