Processing Out Loud

I will go ahead and apologize up front. This post will be rambling and probably long. It may make no sense or follow any logical order...

I find it so hard to believe that we have gotten to this point again already. Almost 6 months to the day of Mary's release from the hospital, we had to re-admit her. She spiraled out of control so quickly this time. And the things she was saying and doing were scary, super scary! Scary enough that we had no choice but to take action and get her extra help. I know that it will be a good thing. She was ready to go, asking to be taken back to the hospital in fact. We held off until the weekend was over because from experience admitting on the weekend wastes time and money. We felt like we would be able to keep her safe at home, and we did. But it was not without cost. She is so suicidal right now and that scares me. We made the right decision.

The road back to the hospital was not without ups and downs of it's own. We really struggled with putting her in the same hospital she was at before. The outcome of the last inpatient treatment was overall okay, but we really had some struggles with getting information and getting on the same page as the hospital staff. We looked into a couple of other hospitals in the area. The one we really wanted to go to would not take her until she is 12. Come on, really? She will be 12 in 2 months! Our pdoc even called them to see if there was anyway they would take her. A big fat NO. So we looked into a new psychiatric hospital which is about an hour and a half away. From the website it looked very promising. They do lots of art therapy (Mary LOVES art). They only have 12 kids on the unit at any time, so more one on one care. I called and spoke with some of the people there and just got a great sense that this would be an ideal place for her. Problem was that there were no beds available at the time we called. By 3:30 in the afternoon there was one bed available and our pdoc called to reserve it for us. We were loading up in the car when she called back to say that the only way they would consider taking Mary is if we went to an ER first and were referred to them that way. Talk about a waste of hours of time and hundred's of dollars. And who knew if the bed would still be available after our hours in the ER. So we ended up back at the same hospital we were at in April. At least this time we went in knowing what our goals are and what we expect the hospital to do. We made sure that her pdoc was involved in the whole process and she has been talking with the pdoc assigned to Mary while she is in the hospital. I am hoping that we are on the same page from the beginning this time. They did do blood work this morning, but at least they gave her a sedative before hand like we had asked (no really we demanded) that they do. Unfortunately the sedative did not work, she fought them, was traumatized, suicidal, and remembers the whole thing. This particular medication is supposed to act as an amnesiac, guess it didn't work.

I was holding up okay until we spoke with Mary tonight. She was very sad and just wanted to come home. She misses us tremendously. Part of the depression this time around has involved severe separation anxiety, so it should not surprise me that she is feeling this way. I know that she needs to be real with the staff while she is there. I know that if she is all peaches and cream they won't really be able to help her. I know she is in a safe place if and when she becomes suicidal again. She needs to be there in that safe place to learn better ways to cope with this overwhelming desire to die, while she is feeling sad and alone. I know all these things, and yet my heart is breaking right now. I want to be there to comfort her when she is sad. I want to shield her from the uncomfortable things. I want to hold her and tell her that it is going to be okay. I so long to be able to take this away for her. I find myself challenging God... if you are who you say you are, then show yourself here.

We get to go see her tomorrow night. I am so looking forward to holding her in my arms and seeing her. At the same time, I think that it is going to be hard on her and on us. She is so homesick that I am afraid that she is going to spend the night begging us to take her back home. I have visions of us having to leave her there screaming for us not to leave. I pray that I am wrong. I am praying that it is a great visit. I am praying that she is brave and strong and encouraged to continue. I am praying that I can be strong and encourage her instead of giving into my own desperate need to hold her longer.

We have not talked with the doctor yet, so I have no idea what time frame we are looking at. I don't see how anything will be accomplished in less than a week. I would not be surprised if it is more like 2 weeks. I hope that the doctor will call us tomorrow morning. I am gathering school work and letters from friends to take with us when we visit her.

I guess I will end this post with a request for prayer for us right now. Please pray that God would use this time in all of our lives for His glory, that we would see His hand at work, and that we would be at peace. I want to remember that I am an ambassador for Christ in a dark and lonely world. That world for us right now includes the children's ward in a psychiatric hospital. Even though my own heart is full of questions and apathy at times, that is just the place where He can use me the most. All of Him and none of me. I know that He is who He says He is and that He is never late.