Feeling Set Adrift

It is decision time as to whether to continue with the homebound services. The new semester started today and Mary really, really wants to add in connections classes. The problem is that if we do that we lose the homebound services and I am left teaching Language Arts and Science. I am so torn right now. Part of me thinks that we should go ahead and add in just the connections and I will do the best I can in teaching her the other two subjects. Maybe it would just be for a week or two until we can see how she tolerates the extra stress? If she handles it well, we could try adding in one of the other classes. And part of me thinks that maybe she is ready to go back a full day? But I would really hate to push that on her if she is not ready. I don't want to take two steps forward just to take ten steps back. Knowing that she goes down the suicide road when she becomes uncomfortable makes me hesitate to add in more than one class. I am so worried about making a bad decision, and I shouldn't be. Nothing that we add can't later be taken back if she doesn't adjust well. Sooooo, what do we do?!?

I guess part of my distress in trying to make a good decision is linked to my spiritual walk, or lack of it lately. I feel like I am in a spiritually barren place right now. I am questioning beliefs that I have had for most of my life. I wonder what the purpose of all of this suffering is? The universe is so big and we are so small and insignificant, does God really care? And if He does care, WHY? I find it hard to sit through a service and concentrate. For the first time in probably 8 years I am not involved in any type of Bible study at church. My current schedule makes it almost impossible to be in a study this year, but I do miss the accountability that comes with being in a regular group of ladies who are praying with and for each other. I also find myself in a state of apathy much of the time. I feel unmoved by my spiritual state. Usually worship songs can bring me to tears, but I just feel dead inside. All of that adds to my questioning. If I really love God, shouldn't I feel more affected by all of this? Is my apathy a sign of my spiritual deadness or is it a mode of emotional survival?

I know the solution is to make time in God's word a priority not an afterthought. I think that deep down I am fearful that letting myself feel anything will lead to the dam bursting. That one little hairline crack can lead to a flood of emotions that maybe I am not ready to deal with right now. As a parent of a bipolar child I have had to condition myself to put on my game face, don't jump on the emotional roller coaster with my child, build up a tolerance for words and actions that would otherwise be considered abuse if it was coming from anyone but my daughter. So, instead of feeling all of the bad along with the good, I put on my "liar face" and say all the right things, not really feeling any of them. One of my favorite authors, Nancy Kennedy, has an acronym for the word fine... Fouled up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted. I think that pretty much describes me right now.