Making Preparations

This morning the sun is shining and the temps are supposed to warm up a little bit. It does my heart good to see the sun and anticipate soaking up a little of it's warmth. If only the rest of life could be like this sunny morning.

Yesterday I spoke with our psychiatrist. She was concerned at the escalation of the bipolar cycling and our inability to stabilize Mary. Her recommendation was that we consider hospitalizing Mary. That is such a tough thing for me to wrap my mind around. We are in a holding pattern right now, hoping that this last increase in medication dosage will make a difference or at the very least buy us a few days to prepare the household for this difficult situation. I spent the day yesterday cleaning like a mad woman and getting stocked up on groceries, just in case. Today I am going to be looking into what hospital we would want to put her in if the need arises, lining up childcare/carpool/etc. for the other kids, and cooking a few meals to stick in the fridge. Something the doctor said to me keeps resonating in my mind... she told me that the longer we let this cycling continue, the harder it will be to bring it under control. And she said that both Mark and I have a high tolerance for dealing with these issues, but we need to realize that we can't let it continue to go on like it is. I am one of those people who will say, "well if it gets any worse, we will go." I need to realize that the idea is to not let it get any worse. If it stays as bad as it has been the past few days, we need to go. If we don't see improvement, we need to go. It doesn't have to get any worse to justify taking her to the hospital. I am not sure at this point what the goal of putting her in the hospital is? Maybe once I understand that a little bit better I will be more at peace with it and better able to move forward...

Another issue we are preparing for right now is the need to have some blood work done on Mary. Because of the medications that she is on, we need to regularly check her liver and kidneys among other things to make sure that there are no negative side effects starting to happen. The last thing we want to do is cause more medical issues for her already stressed body. Unfortunately, Mary has been extremely noncompliant about having her blood drawn. That is an understatement, let me rephrase... there is no way in &*$#*% that she is going to let anyone near her with a needle. You get the picture. She can't even be in the room when someone is talking about drawing blood without having a panic attack. Okay, so how do we get blood from an already traumatized 11 year old? Our solution right now is to put her under conscience sedation and have it drawn then. Of course this brings on a whole new set of things that need to fall into place in order for this to happen. Our doctor's office is not set up to handle that type of procedure, and neither is any doctor's office or urgent care clinic in our area. The ER can do it, but they would rather just hold her down and get it done. And who wants to go to the ER???? Not me. Can't see that being a pleasant experience every few months! Thankfully we have a great dentist who has agreed to do the procedure for us, at least this once. Our next big hurdle will be getting the insurance to pay for it. As of right now, they have said that it is not covered and we will have to pay for it out of pocket. OUCH!

I have to say that my control idol is really being threatened right now. I want to control everything that happens to myself and my children. I want to have everything in place and lined up for all the "what-ifs" in life. I find my peace when my world is planned and regulated and controlled by me, not in trusting that God has control. Can I trust Him with this? It boils down to my own unbelief. Of course God can handle this. He didn't overlook something or step down off His throne for a minute and this slipped by Him. But does He care enough... like I want Him to care? I did spend quite a bit of time yesterday while I was cleaning just cussing God out and telling Him how unfair all of this is. I trust that He is able to stand up to my anger and love me anyway.

I am realizing that my biggest preparations today should not be for all the physical things that may or may not come our way. So, I plan to spend the day preaching this truth to myself... He does care, He does intervene, He does pave the way, He is trustworthy, He is in control and I can trust that He will hold us when the ground beneath our feet crumbles... Because I really need to hear that today!